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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

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Posted 5 years ago
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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: That moment when you run into your ex and realize the only thing you miss is wh...
I can't say I've ever had that experience. Usually if it's not a complete package, I don't want to open it at all.

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: Naww, he's a good guy. But we only dated for like, 3 months. So it's refreshi...
I get it. I can see how it would feel like a victory to not be brokenhearted. I think there's something wrong with me. Once I love someone I never really stop. I might not be in love with them anymore, but I still care about their well being and care about what happens to them. I'm still friends with most of my exes, even if it's only a what's up a couple of times a year. I mean, after breaking up there's always that period when it's just too painful. But my last ex, we're not friends. I realized pretty quickly that he saw that as the door still being open and it's not. I don't think I'm totally over that heartache either. He was the first guy I could see myself growing old with and to have it end badly was awful. I think that's why I haven't met anyone new. You'd think that by now I'd have learned to bounce back but when something is that brutal, it's not easy to want to take the leap again.

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

I still care about my exes too. I think it's cold hearted if you don't. Especially the ones that meant so much to you. You can learn to bounce back every time, but it's always a different experience the next time. Always rough. I use that time for what I like to call a healthy selfish phase. I still hang out with friends, but I make sure to spend time by myself, healing. Because if you don't take care of you, who will?

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ahonestsearch

Joined: 12/9/2012

Reply to: I get it. I can see how it would feel like a victory to not be brokenhearted. I...
Like the song says, "breaking up is hard to do". And while not always as in your case, sometimes that one person, especially if it's a rough break up just weighs on your mind for a long time. They say time heals all wounds, but I dont believe that's necessarily true. Hurt can be painful and linger for a long time. But better to break up then to be living the rest of your life with the worng person. And your right, it does make taking the next step that much harder.

Posts: 556

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ahonestsearch

Joined: 12/9/2012

Reply to: I still care about my exes too. I think it's cold hearted if you don't. Especia...
"Me" time is most important. It let's you refresh yourself, regroup, and start a new.

Posts: 556

Posted 5 years ago
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*ultimate*

Joined: 8/31/2012

There is no such thing as a friendship after breaking up..sure you can call it whatever you want ..but it will never compare with a real friendship...there will always be feelings there..whether they are loving or hateful feelings ..feeling bitter ..bringing up issues that could have helped the relationship will usually start a fight ..blaming each other too..
If by chance you can remain good friends..then it is safe to say that maybe all that realtionship ever was nothing more than a friendship...

Posts: 1352

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ahonestsearch

Joined: 12/9/2012

Reply to: There is no such thing as a friendship after breaking up..sure you can call it ...
Hey Pal, I agree with everything you just posted. I don't think it's possible after a bad break up. The hurt feelings are always there, even if not acknowledged.

Posts: 556

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

Not after a bad breakup, but what about after a good one? An easy, mutual breakup. I have stayed friends with only one ex, but we don't see each other often, and I think that's the only way it works, for us.

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*ultimate*

Joined: 8/31/2012

An easy mutual break up in my opinion is nothing more than a very good friendship..that will remain a friendship...
When 2 are in a relationship ..they share dreams ..future visions of their lives together ...when that is taken away ..it is hard to be friends when there is always that threat that someone else will take your place in that dream..
I think people all have their own definitions of what a relationship is and what it means to them..I strongly believe in standing in through it all...the good and the bad..there will always be hard times and even times of doubt ..but seeing things through and standing by each other through it all and making it work..Too many these day jump ship and look for the next best thing ..avoiding the issues that will always reappear but in a different form...there will always be problems in relationship..finding that special one isn't always what your dreams are telling you it is ...

Posts: 1352

Posted 5 years ago
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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: An easy mutual break up in my opinion is nothing more than a very good friendsh...
I agree with some of what you say when you're talking about a committed relationship, but not all of it. To me, when you relate with people, you have relationships with them, but they're different kinds.

Committed romantic relationships are also all different. I was with the boyfriend I met my senior year of high school for 3 years. I don't think either of us saw us spending our whole lives together, but while we were together we loved each other in every way and as deeply as it is possible to love someone. But our needs changed and neither of us was able to meet the other's needs anymore. It was painful to break up but it wasn't ugly. And after the pain dissipated we were left with that mutual affection and respect for each other. We're still close friends. We aren't attracted to each other the same way, but we share a history and a connection that I value very much. I don't see that we shared only a friendship when we were together or that we share more than that now.

I think that two people who are committed first to their own personal growth might not always grow in ways that guarantee they'll always be mutually compatible. You can decide to stick with a person through good times and bad, but if there are extended periods when you're not getting your needs met and no amount of mutual effort restores the balance, I think it's best to walk away. There are always times when one partner is giving more than the other, and there's nothing wrong with that. But when one person continually goes without, they eventually start looking outside the relationship to get their needs met and then the commitment is in jeopardy anyway. I believe that when two people are honest with each other and work together to keep the relationship healthy, sometimes the result is that they decide to end things, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't see that as a failure or a lack of commitment.

If your relationship with yourself is not your first priority, you're not really able to maintain healthy relationships with others. I agree that in that case, you're going to keep having the same issues no matter who you're with. And since the best way to learn about yourself and work through those issues is through relating with someone, it's best to stick it out as long as possible. But the honesty and commitment have to be mutual or it will never work.

I don't think I've ever felt threatened by an ex finding someone else to share his life with. I strongly believe in living in the moment. Planting seeds for the future sure, having goals, but I think that focusing on making this moment the best possible is what leads you forward and you have to be flexible about what the moment brings. So I don't get attached to dreams or visions of the future, whether for myself or for a relationship.

I think loss is the most painful part of life, but it's unavoidable. And I've personally learned a lot from the pain I've experienced. As I grow, my relationships grow too. Some of them end, but my relationship with me is the one, the only one, that has and will last my entire lifetime. The loss of that is only thing I can imagine being unable to recover from. But it's human to avoid pain, even at the cost of the good stuff that comes from risking the loss of other relationships.

I agree that it isn't time that heals, I think like Jem says, it's the intention to heal and care for oneself. Some of that healing comes from my alone time and some of it comes from sharing with others. I think having close relationships with people who aren't romantic partners is my greatest resource. I don't have much to give myself if I don't get it elsewhere to some extent. Then again, I really do value my time alone. But healing does take time.

I figure that I should try to have fun dating and getting to know new people and when I'm ready the next thing will happen. So that's what I'm doing too. "And I say, it's all right..."

Posts: 1240

Posted 5 years ago
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ahonestsearch

Joined: 12/9/2012

Reply to: I agree with some of what you say when you're talking about a committed relatio...
I lived in NYC most of my life and I lost 3 girlfirends to "Progress". In the late 60s early 70s there was a huge building boom on long island and all 3 moved from apts in Queens to new houses on long island 60 miles away. Having no car, no internet and no cell phones at that time, it was impossible to ever see them. Didn't need a car to live in city, but it limited my options to zero when they moved.

When I finally got a car and saw the last g friend, it was a year later, and our interests had changed. It didn't hurt but it felt empty and pointless. I guess I'm saying I never was in a relationship that broke up, it just ended and was out of our contol, Never kept contact with any of them after that. But I see your point and think your slant on relationships is spot on. And liking yourself and doing for yourself makes so much sense. I've read that if you can go to dinner alone or a movie and feel comfortable with yourself, then you are in a good place. And you sound like you are capable of doing that, whether or not if you do I wouldn't know.

And by the way, I do at times misread you and shoot from the hip. I'll continue to work on that aspect of my interactions with you.

Posts: 556

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*ultimate*

Joined: 8/31/2012

If there isn't a long life commitment intended ,,then there really is no reason for me to be in that relationship..if it can't be till death do us part then I want no part of it ..

Posts: 1352

Posted 5 years ago
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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: If there isn't a long life commitment intended ,,then there really is no reason...
So then why aren't you married? I mean, you're at a relatively advanced age for a bachelor with the attitude you have toward relationships. Do you figure it will be easier to make that commitment when there is less of your life left? I really wonder about your level of commitment to your alleged girlfriend of four years if you haven't married her and are going around jerking off in the back of a car for 3 young girls.

Did you date in your teens? Because I did. I had my first real boyfriend when I was 13. We didn't do more than kiss a little bit, and I wouldn't call it a real partnership, but we were exclusive, we were in love and we spent a lot of time together. Today that guy is married to another man. Lol. I can't imagine making a lifetime commitment choice at 13. Or even 18. It does happen and it does even work out sometimes, but to expect it to happen that way seems a little unreasonable.

In adulthood I haven't entered a committed relationship without the intention of making it work for life, but it hasn't happened so far. So am I supposed to kill myself? Stop trying? I can't control another person, I don't even have that much control over the ways I develop as a person. I just try to be realistic about that and accept that this moment is all there is. If this is where I want to be right now, I will do what I can to make sure that we can sustain what we have going forward. But I'm not going to say that I'll stick with someone even if they start treating me badly and won't stop, if we work at it and get to a place where we can't do it anymore. I don't believe there are guarantees, even if what you say is right and what I say is wrong. Intention is great, but things don't happen the way we intend a great deal of the time. I just believe it's best to make the most of what we have, do what we can to make it last and let go of how it will all end.

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*ultimate*

Joined: 8/31/2012

Guess I never met the right girl..at this point in my life ..I really don't care about marriage ..it has become a circus these days...all it really is ..is a legal document between 2 people..I can be happy till the end with the same person ..without being married..
My Gf and I have a very special relationship...it works for us ..just the way it is ..

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Posted 5 years ago
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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

I want to find someone to spend my life with, but there is no way to know if that will or won't happen when you first meet someone. You have to give it a try. I left a wonderful relationship with an amazing guy because I realized it was never going to go anywhere. Which I know to 3rd parties sounds crazy. That was probably the hardest decision I ever made, but it worked out for the best for us both. We were together for almost a year before I figured it out, though. You can't know unless you try.

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: Guess I never met the right girl..at this point in my life ..I really don't car...
I don't get it. You don't participate in relationships unless they're til death do you part, but you just haven't met the right girl? How do you meet the right girl without developing a relationship with her first? How do you develop a relationship without some level of commitment?

Yes, marriage is a legal contract. But it's also a formalization of the personal commitment two people make to each other to be side by side until death do you part. So I don't get that either.

And I really don't see how any woman would be ok being with a man who won't tolerate her being comfortable with her own sexuality, who basically sees her as property, but is free to show his penis to any woman he can get to look at it. And even perform sexual acts with other women present. And flirt outrageously with other women online. I know there are women who accept double standards, but I still can't imagine a woman like that who'd be ok with your behavior. She must be very special indeed.

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: I want to find someone to spend my life with, but there is no way to know if th...
I agree. And I don't think what you did sounds crazy at all.

Posts: 1240

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*ultimate*

Joined: 8/31/2012

Its very easy ..I meet s girl and take it from there ..if there are things I don't like .then I know she isn't for me ...

Posts: 1352

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

And that my friends is what we call dating. *Applause*

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: Its very easy ..I meet s girl and take it from there ..if there are things I do...
Ok, but that doesn't really answer any of my questions.

I'm not advocating the institution of marriage, I'm just surprised that you have the perspective you do on it after everything else you've said.

And you're really not going to address your own hypocrisy? Double standards? Seriously, what self-respecting woman would remain committed and faithful for life to a man who won't marry her and basically cheats on her?

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: And that my friends is what we call dating. *Applause*
Lol

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*ultimate*

Joined: 8/31/2012

What questions are u asking ? I never cheat ..

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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

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