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shdwfire

Joined: 8/5/2008

Somewhat recently I ended a relationship with a lady I thought I was intimately involved with me,of course love blinds all,so it came as somewhat of a shock when she mentioned the topic and basically clarified our "situation".
I told her I wasnt interested in that sort of relationship,and asked her not to bug me anymore,that I wasnt the sort of person that felt comfortable with the arrangement.Thinking back over past relationships with other ladys I dont ever recall having this happen.We were either together or we went our seperate ways,the idea that I may be sharing my bedmate with another is not enjoyable.
She has been bugging me lately trying to get me to be "friends" again only I know where it will lead,am I being a fool? Is FWB the new norm for the modern lover? Gawd I hope not,whatever happened to being loving enjoying sharing caring?? I cant imagine a more empty feeling then when she told me this nonsense
Positive input is welcomed
TIA

Posts: 16

Posted 9 years ago
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LiveToLove

Joined: 1/12/2009

I see and hear this a lot, both on WebDate and other places. Man there is only one thing you have to remember and that is BE WHO YOU ARE! If you don't like the idea of FWB then tell the lady up front. Let her know that if she simply wants to be friends, then there will absolutely be no sex. It really is all up to you. You are the one who is in control of your life, not someone else.

Posts: 3550

Posted 9 years ago
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MeinVa

Joined: 1/30/2009

Reply to: I see and hear this a lot, both on WebDate and other places. Man there is only...
If your not into that tell her and put your foot down with what you want. If you let her manipulate you into doing what she wants she will never respect you. You will lose her more than likely. However, she will respect you but more importantly you'll keep your self-respect. Do not let her make you miserable.

Posts: 3

Posted 9 years ago
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shdwfire

Joined: 8/5/2008

Reply to: I see and hear this a lot, both on WebDate and other places. Man there is only...
Thanks for the response, I have told her this and she says ok lets just be friends,yet I know if I see her and she starts reaching for me I wont put up much fight..lol..so my first feeling is not to see her at all n just make up excuse's from now to eternity for not hanging out with her, I dont have the heart to just tell her get lost in a mean way.Is that what may be required of me here?

Posts: 16

Posted 9 years ago
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MeinVa

Joined: 1/30/2009

Reply to: Thanks for the response, I have told her this and she says ok lets just be frie...
Personally, I think your going to have to get away from this woman completely. Notice what you said in the first sentence. You put your foot down and she completely changed her mind to being friends. You have to ask yourself "why would she do this?". I don't know this woman but she sounds like she is going to play you until you completely get her out of your life.

Posts: 3

Posted 9 years ago
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LiveToLove

Joined: 1/12/2009

What is required of you here is to be a man! If you cave in when someone comes on to you and you don't want that kind of relationship, then maybe you should grow some balls and "just say no", that is your right too you know. If you let your little head do all of your thinking for you and you just can't seem to resist this lady, then tell her to fuck off and be done with it. If she knows you don't want that kind of relationship and keeps on wanting sex from you then she has absolutely no respect for you. I won't have anything to do with someone who has no respect for me.

Posts: 3550

Posted 9 years ago
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DJTheHopefulRom...

Joined: 9/8/2007

Man dude I'll tell you as I said in some other threads FWB can be totally legit....there are a thousand good reasons as to why two people might choose to opt for that arrangement. Obviously in your case you weren't let in on it and you definitely have my sympathy because that is wrong and does sting.


To me a proper FWB relationship is that you actually be friends....in fact IMHO what separates it from a random hookup is that you genuinely care for the person and value the relationship beyond just the sex. If you both decided to move on you'd remain friends and maintain the relationship.


Examp les I've heard of legit FWB-

The Woman is a single working mom with little time to put into dating and the guy just doesn't want kids.......understandable, the woman could still use companionship and a special friend to enjoy during off time and from the guy's perspective well some guy's just aren't father material....nothing wrong with that either.


Another example could simply be two people absolutely dedicated to there careers........think about it how many marriages break up simply because one or both aren't home often enough........taxing time consuming jobs like say being a lawyer, doctor, traveling entertainer etc. have huge divorce rates. Some people are just smart enough to realize that the white picket fence lifestyle just isn't going to work for them....again they still deserve some romance and tenderness so nothing wrong with that.


Just want to be clear the concept of FWB is not necessarily an evil one. However the growing number of people men and women equally not being able to be satisfied with one partner is frustrating. I could see old school monogamy dying out in my generations lifetime. Again not judging because when it's all on the up and up between the participants certain alternative lifestyles and practices are totally valid.


Remember though everyone it's very easy to lose yourself in your fantasies and fetishes and end up missing out on what's truly important.

Posts: 130

Posted 9 years ago
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Kajunqueen

Joined: 11/29/2008

I was thinking about this and I was wondering,did she actually tell you she was going to be fooling around with other men?
(If that was the only thing bothering you.)
I thought that was like the best wish for any man,to be friends,and have sex with no other strings attatched.(??) If I was friends with a guy,and wanted sex,but didn't want to move in with him,marry him,etc. Why would I have sex with him? Well,face it,we all have needs,and we give in,But I see where you feel like your being played. Its just a way for people to say "You'll do for now,but IF someone else comes along,and I like them better,your history."
Why sugar coat it?

Posts: 6567

Posted 9 years ago
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shdwfire

Joined: 8/5/2008

Reply to: I was thinking about this and I was wondering,did she actually tell you she was...
Thanks Kajun for the response,
No she said she wasnt fooling around,yet that she felt like going out n meeting other guys at bars clubs etc etc ,she told me after, she let it "slip out" she was on a paying dating site.We knew each other as friends w/out benefits for years.I always had feelings for her n she knew that.When she became free to date again a few months back,she showed interest & I thought genuine affection for me.I made it plain from the start I didnt want that sort of "friendship" I am too old to be playing games like that.She knows I am loving sort of person not given to casual flings,hell she was my friend for years from way back.
Your last statement sums it all up for me"You'll do for now but if someone else comes along better your history "
So I guess your ok with such an arrangement then? It wouldnt bother you? Not knowing if that "friend" was out on the town trying to hit on others? Then callin you pleading to come by n just hang out for a while at midnite??
thats the kind of stuff I dont care for,another part of the reason why I broke it off totally.
Thanks again :)

Posts: 16

Posted 9 years ago
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Kajunqueen

Joined: 11/29/2008

I am going thru about the same thing,and I feel bad about it,but I am not at a point in my life where I want to settle down just yet.I was just getting divorced,and he was never married.The thing is,he (and everyone else)automatically put a label on it as we were "together" and I didn't want anything at the moment.But,how can you see other people without hurting the guys feelings? I don't want to lose friendship with him.And it does not mean that I want someone to sleep with,I just want to do what I wanted to do. I think after 18 years of marriage,I deserve that.Who knows,maybe I will decide he IS the best one for me(?)But guys always, always think the gal is sleeping with every Tom,Dick and Harry.

Posts: 6567

Posted 9 years ago
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DJTheHopefulRom...

Joined: 9/8/2007

Is this situation current or in your past Kajun? If
i'm reading correctly your situation is your recently divorced after 18 years and have met this new guy you speak of. If I'm correct here is my opinion-


Seeing as your obviously not just looking for sex from other people I definitely think your nowhere near ready for a major commitment again. Seems to me you just want to enjoy single life and mingle a little. Nothing wrong with that at all.

IMHO what you have to do is tell this guy you want to stay just friends for a certain period without any romantic commitment to one another. After awhile you re evaluate things. Maybe you need a few months, maybe you need a year or maybe you'll find he's not the guy for you.

Now I can't say he'll react positively to this because honestly if I'm in love with someone the whole "let's take a break and see other people" is pretty much hell on earth. Still maybe what you need to do.

Posts: 130

Posted 9 years ago
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A little less t...

Joined: 8/25/2008

Reply to: What is required of you here is to be a man! If you cave in when someone comes...
AMEN LIVE!!!! WORDS WELL SPOKEN!!!! He can't expect her to respect him,if he can't respect himself and has no self control! either he want's it or he dose not!

Posts: 321

Posted 9 years ago
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