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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

So I was going to ask just the girls...but maybe the guys will be honest and tell me what the hell they're thinking too.

In the past couple of days I have had 5 guys I have met and had a couple of dates with this past year, contact me out of the blue. I had not talked to any of them for months...some a couple of months some more but all of a sudden they're popping up all over the place. Emails, Im's, texts....I thought they just wanted to wish me Happy Holidays but they all wanted to see me again...and that made no sense. I mean all were men I had wanted to pursue something further and see if a relationship would fluorish. Now, I wasn't game for being physical with them and when I thought that's all they wanted I released them. At least 2 of them ended with somewhat harsh words...yet here they were, a couple of days before X-mas...all of a sudden, they had more time than they did before, or they had only met crappy women, or god knows what....

So what gives?
Women, have you noticed this happen to you in your dating experiences?
Men, why reach out to women it didn't work out with? Or, are you hoping that holiday loneliness will motivate them to sleep with you now if they didn't before?

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Posted 5 years ago
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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

I have never had this happen around specific holidays. But I can say that almost every single guy I've gone out with (which is not a very big list, really) contacts me months later. A few of them are still contacting me years later, lol. No idea why....

I wonder if the guys are not necessarily *just* trying to sleep with you. Guys don't just show their physical feelings through sex, they show their emotional ones through sex too. Maybe they are the ones that are feeling lonely, and are trying to feel better, even just for a night. That's my best guess.

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Posted 5 years ago
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nighthowl50

Joined: 9/28/2005

i think a lot of it is that noone likes being alone for the holidays. so they start looking at the ones they dated previously as it is too late to get someone new. jmho

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

I agree with these other thoughts. I also think men just see things differently. They will keep trying to close the deal until THEY are not interested anymore. Other than one or two guys who dumped me for other women and then decided they'd messed up, when they have ended it, that's it. But a lot of guys I've told I wasn't interested needed to be told a few times before it seemed to sink in. I don't like to be a jerk, but even when I was, it didn't seem to matter. Part of it may be that women change their minds, they play games or have otherwise confused them, I don't know. I do think the holidays are an emotional time and that if you were offering more than sex, that might be appealing to these guys whether they realize it or not.

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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

Reply to: i think a lot of it is that noone likes being alone for the holidays. so they ...
I believe this to be true as well...and that's why I shot all of them down. Besides, Christmas is for family, and I would not agree with anyone bringing a new person around at this time.

New Years, yeah I guess I can see how no one wants to be sitting there looking around when everyone has someone to kiss at midnight, but not at Christmas time.

I may be a little too close to my own family though...oh well, it is what it is!

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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

Reply to: I agree with these other thoughts. I also think men just see things differently...
Hmmm...you made me think about something: Is it possible that there are times when men will reach out for sex to fulfill an emotional needs just like a lot of women do?

Based on that saying that Women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex?

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nighthowl50

Joined: 9/28/2005

i do think some men reach out for sex to fill an emotional need. especially older men that have been married before and have lost their mate. they are looking for that fuzzy feeling of being loved again.

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ahonestsearch

Joined: 12/9/2012

In todays age of equality, I'd say both men and women do the same thing for the same reasons.

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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

Reply to: In todays age of equality, I'd say both men and women do the same thing for the...
OH God!!! This is obviously a new mood for you, after that joke you posted. Treating someone equally on the job, and in the home and in a relationship does not change who we are based on emotional make-up and how we are raised. No matter what, burning our bras to get equal pay for equal work (which is still not done, albeit closer than ever before) did not change how kids are raised. I am pretty sure that boys are still told not to cry, and get masculine toys while girls are still dressed in frou frou pink and get feminine toys.

BTW, I turned against the feminist movement after I saw how it imasculated most men and made them afraid of their own shadow. I believe it created more misogynists, but I would still fight for equality in a lot of places like voting, careers and education. What people do in their relationships is their business and women still like to take care of their men...even if they are working at a full time career. There are exceptions and oddball situations, but generally speaking, the feminist movement created superwomen because men still refused to take on housework equally...and then "y'all got pissed" when we did it all. (not me, but some women ended up doing it all, CEO's, mothers, wives...they became the impossible).

Now women can't find a real man anywhere. What we find is whinny, crybabies who hate women. The pendulum hasn't quite dropped, it went from one extreme to the other and I suppose it needed to be that way, like all things that existed at only one extreme, but enough! Men need to just grow a pair and respect their women for everything they can do and meet them half way on things instead of hanging their balls on the hook and hating on them.

Sexually speaking, women are still judged if they act like men sexually. Most of us can't do it for too long because we get emotionally attached, so the games are still played and the only way men have to trump women is to play them. They act all relationshipy until they get laid and then they dissapear, and even a CEO of a company will sit around crying her eyes out when a man she thought she could trust ends up dissapearing after fucking her.

Fuck! a war of the sexes at the end of the year! Brilliant!

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

I've never had a guy leave after getting laid. Women give it up too easy sometimes. Guys will treat you the way you let them treat you. I have very high standards as to how I should be treated, and guys don't have a hard time living up to *most* of those standards. But they won't do it for just any girl. You have to earn it.

I have a lot of guy friends, and I see when they leave after getting laid and I see when they don't do that. The reason they leave after getting laid is not usually because "they got what they wanted and left." It is most often because there was no challenge and they got bored. If you try to get a guy to want you via your sexuality only, the attraction won't last once he gets it, because you've made yourself out to be nothing more than sex, and most guys want more than that. Especially when they get older.

Demand respect, and you will get it. If you're not, then you kick them to the curb and move on. Simple. Women really need to learn that. I rarelt see any that demand the respect they deserve.

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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

Reply to: I've never had a guy leave after getting laid. Women give it up too easy someti...
A lot of assumptions on your part here.

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

No assumptions. These are generalities based on what I've seen men do and what I've seen women do. There are so many women, younger girls especially, that just let men treat them like crap. It makes me really sad to see it.

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: In todays age of equality, I'd say both men and women do the same thing for the...
Equality does not mean "the same." While men and women may be valued equally in some spheres (and that is debatable) it does not mean they think, feel or behave the same as each other. But all men and all women aren't the same either.

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: I've never had a guy leave after getting laid. Women give it up too easy someti...
Yes, generally it's true that other people will treat you the way you let them. I think that's true of both the same and opposite sexes. It also seems generally true that many people don't really respect themselves very much, so they don't treat others with respect nor do they require it of others.

I've run into guys who were into playing the field. They were very good at it. They would say and do whatever they thought was necessary to get what they wanted, which was sex. They were interested in who I was. They treated me with respect for weeks or months, however long it took, right up until the moment they took off, sometime soon after getting laid. Not all guys are like that, not even most in my experience, but some are and you can demand whatever you want but it makes no difference. So yes, whenever you're not getting the basic things you want and need from someone, it's best to walk away. But there are no guarantees that prevent a woman from having bad experiences. And the older we get, the more a woman has to wonder what this guy has been doing that he's still single or is currently single, even when that might seem hypocritical.

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

Ohh I'm not saying there are no evil guys out there. I just think that the ones who would go through tons of work, just to get laid and then leave, are few and far between. While it doesn't excuse a guy's behavior, sometimes we have to look at what we're doing to warrant it. Especially if it's a behavior we see often. That doesn't mean we deserve it, it just means that we might be allowing the behavior, without realizing it.

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ahonestsearch

Joined: 12/9/2012

Reply to: Ohh I'm not saying there are no evil guys out there. I just think that the ones...
I agree. And all I was saying is that if people are going to sterotype men, they should note that women today do the same thing. They too have sexual needs they need to satisfy and they too play games to achieve that goal. They use men as men use women to get there. It works for both sexes.

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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

Reply to: I agree. And all I was saying is that if people are going to sterotype men, the...
You agree with Jem?! NO!!!!!!! Say it isn't so!


Do tell me, how difficult is it to get a man into bed these days?!

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

... Why does it bother you when someone agrees with me?

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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

Reply to: ... Why does it bother you when someone agrees with me?
What bothers me is that since you've been back you've gone above and beyond to support and validate ass holes(ultimate), and you tend to indirectly attack the women on here on women issues.

Somehow, regardless of what you say it's viewed as a positive and anything else any other woman states is viewed as communist, feminist, bitchy whatever.

The very fact that you have made statements calling ultimate names and yet he still agrees and supports you...the fact that regardless of what you say you have a handful of men on here that just blindly agree with you.

I don't necessarily view your opinions as neutral. I perceive you as being specifically biased and it seems you have an uncanny ability to immediately reply to a post a woman posts with a back-handed insult. Maybe you don't realize it but that's how I perceive you. I don't remember you being so pointed before. Maybe I am being over-sensitive or cranky as ahonestsearch has remarked but it perpetuates an opinion of agreeable women as opposed to women who will stand up for themselves.

I guess, based on your latest posts, I perceive you as posting things that you know men will like instead of posts that are based on real life experiences.

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

Lol, yes, because telling men they're all pussies, that I have high standards, and don't give it up easily is exactly what they all want to hear. It's ok for me to say I think most guys nowadays are pussies, but I can't say that most girls nowadays put up with being treated bad and give it up too easy? That's really how I see it. And obviously it doesn't account for every single person and I never said it did. But I think the rise in domestic abuse in younger adults, and rise in teen pregnancy rates nationwide would at least partially back me up.

I was gone for almost 2 years, naturally I've changed some. And I always want to be changing. I never want to be a stagnant person, set in my beliefs just because it's what I've always believed. I'm only 25, I will probably do a lot more changing throughout my life.

So it bothers you that a couple guys might agree with me a lot, or agree with me "blindly" as you put it. Is that my fault? I don't have any control over who does or does not agree with me. Nor do I really care, to be honest. I put my opinions out there, and if someone agrees, great. And if someone doesn't, then hopefully they can give me an educated argument as to why. I love learning other points of views. But instead of that, all I see is you getting mad at people for agreeing with me, or mad at me for agreeing with someone else. That doesn't do much justice for your opinions, which I often think are well thought out. I'd prefer to read why you don't agree with me, instead of complaining that someone does.

I don't pretend to know how and why anyone has the opinions that they do, unless they've told me straight out. Yet you seem to want to assume it of others, based on very little knowledge of that person. Or at least of me. My opinions are my opinions, based on what I've seen in life. That's how it always works, isn't it? Besides, if I were really saying things just to get people to agree with me, don't you think it would make more sense to get the majority to agree, and not the disliked minority? Seems rather backwards if you ask me, lol.

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lianapet

Joined: 12/5/2004

Reply to: Lol, yes, because telling men they're all pussies, that I have high standards, ...
You're probably correct. I guess I am just being a cranky old woman.

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: What bothers me is that since you've been back you've gone above and beyond to ...
This reply is for both Lianapet and Jem.

I have a compulsion to chime in and say that I do think it says more about ahonestsearch and ultimate that they agree with everything Jem says than it does about Jem. I'm sure that she says things they don't agree with but they would not say so. I just think it's half funny and half pathetic because they're acting like the types of guys she says don't interest her and they look a bit foolish falling all over themselves to please someone who is just a nice person. It reminds me of when I had jobs serving the public and guys thought that my being personable meant I had some real interest in them whereas the men whose attention I wanted took my friendliness as part of the job.

Looking at everything as a whole, it seems like Jem really just thinks that women should be more empowered than they are, to act like the assertive beings they can be instead of victims. I agree. I think that sometimes we attract a certain kind of treatment based on our own unconscious behavior. But I also think that it's naive to believe that empowerment means that one will not be victimized sometimes. I also don't subscribe to the notion that the victim ever deserves to be victimized. Not saying that Jem does, I just want to be clear.

I do wonder whether Jem really thinks that judging women based on their sexual behavior is ok, because it sometimes seems like she does. Personally, I leave people's sexual morality to them unless it concerns me directly. It's my body and I care about it and make my own choices based on what seems healthy to me, and I don't think it's ok to hurt people, but otherwise a woman can fuck whoever, however, whenever she wants and it's none of my business. I don't think that defines her or make any value judgments about her. Men have already taken care of that.

I think it's easy having grown up being subjected to misogynistic men and the women who wholeheartedly supported them, having spent time in places where women are not treated even half as well as American women, and having studied so much of the history of women's struggles, it's easy to feel the weight of a responsibility to eradicate negative attitudes toward women and their right to be equal. I'm sometimes incredulous when I encounter a woman who doesn't seem to "get it" when really, she's just not had the experiences I have.

I think that guys are the same as they've always been. It's women who've changed. Women have come to value their own capacity for emotional health and/or awareness. They accept and value feeling connected to the people they love. Guys aren't usually taught to exercise these same muscles and the prevailing attitude is still that feelings are for pussies. They don't know how to navigate their own emotional waters, they aren't sure these are masculine skills, and the whole idea scares them. So now there are all these women who demand men who are in touch with their inner lives, can communicate these experiences and want a shared emotional life. I've seen a lot of older men who've suffered because of what they hadn't learned start trying to grow. And I've seen a number of younger men who've learned a bit differently. But these kinds of shifts in culture take time and it's not easy for anyone.

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jem1987

Joined: 7/20/2007

"... because they're acting like the types of guys she says don't interest her." I lol'ed at that. :P

That's exactly what it is, I really want people in general to be stronger emotionally. To not put up with things they don't deserve, to believe they're worthy of being treated well (and also to treat well in return, of course). I'm not saying that if you are this way, you will never get victimized. But you will know that you didn't cause it. At that point, really, I just feel like I was saved from a type of person that I don't really want to be with anyway. Because who wants to date a douchebag that treats them like crap, right? Lol.

Our sexual behavior actually says a lot about us. But that's not just women, that's men too. Although when I was talking about women giving it up too easy and letting guys treat them like shit, I didn't necessarily mean all sex is bad or anything like that lol. I'm big on people being comfortable with their sexuality, in all ways. But often times, the ladies that do let their guys treat them like shit, and give it up quickly, are not doing it for the right reasons. So it's not really an issue of sex, but an issue of self-respect and self-worth. It's just really sad to see how it's becoming such a big problem in the younger generations. I see it constantly now.

Guys nowadays, at least the younger ones, are more often being taught it's ok to be emotional. But the problem is that they're not taught *how* to be emotional, if that makes sense. That's where we get these whiney, wimpy guys from. Or at least that's my theory anyway haha.

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ahonestsearch

Joined: 12/9/2012

Reply to: "... because they're acting like the types of guys she says don't interest her....
I agree, but keep in mind the ones telling boys its okay to be emotional and not teaching them how to be that are their moms. women. so maybe women need to teach their boys better, if that is how women want their boys to be when they are men. Women also need to tell the men in their lives how they want and need them to be and work with them to achieve it.

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wetnwild600

Joined: 7/17/2012

Reply to: I agree, but keep in mind the ones telling boys its okay to be emotional and no...
Surprise. Another man who puts all the responsibility for teaching men how to be men on women. I'm sorry, but it's not my job to work with a man so he becomes who I want him to be, it's my job to find a man I want to be with. Women aren't male, they don't know how to model male behavior. That is a father's job. Your words are a perfect depiction of what makes guys pussies.

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