I need some advice. I am 38 and just finished an associate degree program. I don't know who I am anymore. My marriage has become cold and empty I am pretty lonely and have very few friends outside of my educational environment. She is a social animal and has too many friends. I often feel I have to compete for her attention with them. While I have studied, she has played. Don't get me wrong I'm no angel. I am extremely hard to be around these days. I need to find some direction here, and have completely lost my identity. Anyone ever been through this? Anyone doing the same thing? Just curious.

Try discussing all this with your wife.

Yeah, We talk and I have tried. She's not very unbiased. I'm just looking for some unbiased input or some others experiences.

The only opinion you need is hers if you want to keep your marriage alive.


The only way you can do that is to talk often and get her opinions on how to make things better.

why are you hard to be around right now?

Well I do see your point, but she seems fine except for being sick of discussing it, and keeps telling me I have to figure myself out, and that she not responsable for me. That's her only opinion as far as I can see. Just trying to decide how I should do that.

I'm tired and confused about things, and we have ended up fighting allot because I don't cope so well with the stress sometimes. We still love each other, but I have to figure this out or I will lose her.

Yes you most certainly will. However none of us can help you with that.

perhaps you can take a little mini vacation where you can get rid of your stress and reconnect to each other.

Well, only you truly know the answer to this one! From what I can gather, your life lacks balance. You've become detached - you have concentrated on some areas of life at the expense of all the others. On the one end you have been so busy with your education/work that you maybe became detached from the social/enjoyable side of life and got a little too settled in a mundane routine. The reason why I say this, is because the subtle resentment towards your wife's social life. Were you too busy at one stage that you forgot to nurture your relationship, she got over it and started a whole new life without you featuring too much on her radar as a result? You seriously need to take a step back and think introspectively why you are in the situation that you are in and form a game plan on balancing your time between work and play. This is actually an exciting time! Now you get to rediscover yourself again and if you do this pro-actively, you maybe just have a couple of surprises around the corner, but LIVE! Life is too short for the whole would've/should've/could've case scenario of regrets....plan a weekend away for you and your wife so that you can rediscover one another again - try tantric sex, go sky diving/bunji-jumping, something to re-ignite your inner child. Just go out and have some fun :) life can be extremely exciting if you climb out of the box!

I understand your frustration, pal, having been through this in my first marriage. First of all the fact that your wife has more friends than you, is very common. Most women have more friends than their husbands. You don't have to compete with them, and you don't have to spend time with, you don't even have to like them. Stop trying to fit into her world. Invite her into your world, on your terms. Do you have any interests or hobbies in which you could involve her? Most women really don't know their husband, although they claim to, "...know you better than you know yourself." Show her the side of you she's never seen before. Take her to a ball game, take her fishing, or teach her to play poker. Take her out to dinner, on your terms. Take her to your favorite place and have dinner at the bar. She will see you leading, not following. Stop worrying about losing her. If she was going to leave you, she would already be gone. Who knows ... you may not like the way she functions in your world, and she may end up losing you. Good luck pal, and stop worrying.

Go on holiday! Have a drink go find yourself lol.

If you're lost and don't know who you are any more, she's right. YOU need to find yourself again. I have actually been through this once. It isn't easy. there's a book called "The Road Less Traveled" ... Reading it will make you take a close, harsh look at yourself. It helped me.

I went through it. After a bad breakup at age 28, I had no wife, no friends, nothing. Like you, I didn't even know who I was any more. I had to rebuild my entire "self" from scratch... and it sucked and it took a long time.

On the other hand, reading the book I mentioned above made realize what a dick I'd been over the years. (It's a tough book to read... total truth in there, man) You have a golden opportunity to become the man you've always wanted to be. That's exactly what I did.

Start with something small and OWN it. Make it a YOU thing. Begin with THIS is ME... this is MINE. It could be a hobby, a personality trait... anything... just make it yours and OWN it. (I wrote a book, because I'd always wanted to be a writer... that's what was MINE) but seriously... you have nothing to offer the relationship you're in until you're complete and whole by yourself. Only then can you share that with your wife. Until you have something to share, you're just leeching off of her. She needs a partner, not a hanger-on. Good luck to you.

Thats too bad

You need to have fun with her -she is used to having fun, and you're essentially a stick in the mud by comparison. That's probably not who you really are, that's just the case at present. Have fun wherever you are -and let her know how wonderful you think she is. You may have to court her all over again -turn up the romance. Schedule some fun stuff for you both -but even when you're out with her friends, don't try to compete for her. Just have fun. Get to know her friends -I'm not saying make her jealous, but if you stop freaking out about it and mingle, she won't feel so pressured, and if she still has feelings for you, she'll probably gravitate toward you because you're not freaking out and are now fun to be around. Trying to control the situation won't help. Go out with your friends and have fun -invite her sometimes, etc...
and chill out